So, yes. I use Waze. I use it all the time. I use Waze so much that I’m now Wazing my waze to places I already know the waze to.
Man, I love waze. I just love the word. Everyone say it with me now…
I’m straight up amazed by Waze. I’m dazed and crazed by Waze. I feel like was born and raised to waze.
But I’m sorry fellow wazers, these points have no point.
I know, I know. That news might hit you wazers like a lazer from a tazer. But come to your senses, and don’t be a star-gazy, lost in a hazy, bat shit crazy, mouse in a mazy Wazer.
Waze is for getting from point A to point B, and those are just about the only points that matter here. Buuuuuut the folks at waze decided to suck you in for more. You hear that…
YOU ARE BEING SUCKED IN BY WAZE.
Which one of these Waze logos are you? Personally, I think I’m the one holding the sword. Why? I don’t know I just identify with him more strongly than the others.
I mean, sure he looks like he’s going to smile his way to murdering the King Wazer and steal his crown, but I prefer to appreciate that somewhere deep down inside of him is a swaggering swordsman who is there to get the King’s back in case those 3 rascals behind him get any crazy wazy ideas.
Ok wait a second… Did i just spend 15 minutes lost in my imagination where I lived my life vicariously through the fictitious personas of 5 different Waze logos?
Ok fine, so it was more like 6 minutes, and I only imagined myself as being 3 of the logos. BUT OH MY GOD WAZE LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME.
I just got so deeply lost in you that I wanted to get in my car and drive away with you to nowhere in particular… but you would never let that happen would you? You would never let me hit the road without telling me exactly where I was going, how long it would take to get there, and how to avoid running over an already run over squirrel on the way. GOD I F-ING LOVE YOU WAZE.
Speaking of dead squirrels, did I just get 6 points for reporting that roadkill? You bet I did. 6 points? Just for that??? You kidding me Waze? That’s unreal. Shoot if I knew I would get 6 points for every dead squirrel I reported I would kill them myself.
But honestly, I don’t even need to kill squirrels anymore. You hear that Waze community? Now that I got my six points I don’t have to do that low level dirty work no more. We straight up made it!
Hey Waze, tell ‘em all about me…
Wait, what? I’m a Baby Wazer? After all that hype I’m just… a baby? But I don’t look or feel like a baby? I’m riding up in the front like a full-grown adult out here.
I mean, yes I lied to you and told you I was a passenger when I really wasn’t, and that was pretty childish. But I thought that was our thing. I get in the driver’s seat and pick up my Waze. You ask me to confirm that I’m a passenger even though I’m not. Then we listen to F*ck the Police by N.W.A on repeat for exactly 43 minutes while we drive me to work. TOGETHER.
And now you’re telling me I have to drive 100 more miles just to not be a baby anymore? Babies can’t even drive. This is insane.
And just as I spit out my pacifier long enough to curse your name, I spot some inclement weather up ahead.
Look I’m just gonna say it Waze… my days of hoping for clear skies and sunshine while I drive are straight up over. When I get behind the wheel now I actually hope that an F5 Tornado is going to make its vortex in my cupholder while I listen to Highway to Hell as loud as it can go.
No it’s not that I have a death wish, I just want more points. Personally I was hoping for some other life threatening hazards along my journey, preferably directly on the road instead of on the shoulder. You know, so I could be sure I wouldn’t miss them and lose out on racking up those sweet waze points.
Oh look at that, my meteorology skills have earned me a whole new status.
Yay. Now I’m a grownup wazer. Say, why not just call it an adult wazer? Oh, I know, then it would seem like I’m about to get myself into some weird wazy porno. And we can’t have that… can we?
Annnnd as much as I would love to keep writing about that…. I gotta put my phone away for obvious reasons.
And yoooooo did anyone else not know that there was such a thing as invisible police? Hell yeah, with waze I get points for seeing cops and even for not seeing cops.
I’m speeding on purpose out here. Bring on the po-po and just hit me with those waze points!