I’m thinking of getting a dog. But first…plants.

I’m thinking of getting a dog. But first…plants.

Have I been able to keep a plant alive? So, 1. That’s none of your business.

I’ll have you know that the lady across the street from me in the outdoor “market” in Bushwick told me that cacti and succulents overall are VERY easy to maintain. I purchased them and I also want you to know she is a LIAR and what Mariah Carey would refer to as a “Heartbreaker.”

We have all seen it: The Brooklyn Apartment. The floor to ceiling to ceiling glass, the palm tree somehow thriving indoors, the indoor art seemingly bought or donated by someone who just GETS the millennial suffering via abstract thrusts of paint onto canvas.

“That’s definitely acrylic. I’ve been to Art Basel like, twice- so I can tell.” I say to myself while looking at the spread of Emily Ratakowskiskiskiskijijutski’s (spelling? who knows) apartment spread in a very hip and current magazine. If she can be a professional model and keep these plants alive, then so can I. And, I can also one day own a dog and keep it alive for 5-8 years, right?

Emily’s apartment and mine are actually very alike, except for the size, decor, personal wealth, self esteem, waist in inches, and of course: the plants. “God, I need a rubber plant” I tell myself, overlooking all else. “Who even buys a mustard rug? It looks like your flooring has jaundice.” You know who can tell if a floor has jaundice? The future owner of a golden retriever or pug. Dog owners are statistically the most pleasant and put together of people.

And you know who else is meant to be put together? Me. Once I keep a plant alive for more than a month or so. I bought not 1 not 2 not 3 not 4 not 5 but 6!!!! Succulents. Because, I am a caregiver. A healer. A lover, never a fighter, but above all: a twice a week water-er. And this is where maternity begins. Not maternity for a plant or child, but fora french bulldog or some kind of terrier. First, you buy a succulent. Then, cocker spaniel, and then you are raising 2 or 3 spectacular members of society with a man who adores you- because that, ladies and gentlemen, is the way my life is MEANT to evolve.

But first!! We need to pay off our hulu and THEN get a chihuahua.

UPDATE:  All six succulents die after a twelve day bender in the Lower East Side and I blame the air circulation in my apartment. However, 2018 is looking very hydrated and Emily Ratakowskininininijiski doesn’t even seem that cool.