I’m a hamster on a wheel and I’m not even good at it.

I’m a hamster on a wheel and I’m not even good at it.

See that hamster up there? That’s me clicking around the internet and trying to hold on for dear life while I get blasted in the face with shitty ads I don’t like.

And you know what? I’ve had it. How come every site I visit has some ass-backwards advertisement that means nothing to me?

And don’t try to sneak attack me either. Just… Just don’t. Sure I’m scrolling through the news on CNN and none of the articles actually appeal to me. But man, I’ve got to stay current out here so hey at least I’m trying.

There is extreme weather happening somewhere far away…Something something about North Korea…A really old celebrity died recently…

But wait? What’s this…? Protein Powder: What to know and watch out for? I like protein. Don’t mind if I do!

Boy do I hate getting caught up in this click-bait BS. What could you possibly tell me about the pros and cons of protein powder? Pros: It’s protein. Cons: It’s powder. We got it. Yet here I am on yet another site, feeling like a hamster on a wheel.

Ah, the life of a hamster. Just wheels, cheese, and wheels of cheese. Wait, do hamsters even eat cheese? Let me Google it real quick…

Heyyyyy look at that. It should be fine! Thank god for thehamsterhouse.com. And google is so slick that this comes up right in the search results. Heck to the yes!! I don’t even have to go to The Hamster House to find out what I need to know. And….OMG LOOK FREE 2-DAY SHIPPING AT TARGET!!

Fine, so I very briefly had visions of myself slow cooking fondue and serving it to guests at a dinner party with some Yellow Tail Shiraz. So I clicked on the Google ad. But “Cook on high for 4 hours, until the cheese has thickened,” plus the fact that my apartment is too small to host dinner parties means I just can’t get into the Crock Pot game right now, even though it’s a pretty good deal.

AND I DON’T WANT TO KEEP SEEING ADS FOR THE CROCK POT ON EVERY WEBSITE I GO TO. So stop following me around the internet like a sick stray cat. Like, seriously, I’ve moved on… to sports.

And while I’m here, I’ll just check out the top 10 greatest sports bloopers of all time. Ah, here we go… Man I’m really going to enjoy this and…what…I can skip this ad in 5..4..3..2…

Don’t you think I know your little game? I know that if I click “skip” you’re just going to understand that I don’t like ads about diapers because I’m not 2 years old or 90 years old, and then try to send me another ad next time that you think is more relevant to me. And you know what’s relevant to me? Protein Powder.

Wait, how did I get from protein powder to Huggies again? And…holy!!! These Huggies are 50% off at Walmart? I wonder what other sick deals they have…..Annnnnnd I just ended up buying a crock pot at Walmart.

Who wants fondue???